i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
