so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
