Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
