how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
