why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
