I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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