Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
