Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
