My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
