Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
