i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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