i think my tv is drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
