pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
