separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
