He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
