Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
