I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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