Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
