What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
