She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i think my cat just said my name.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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