i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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