I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
