Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
