i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
