now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
