I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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