Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
