I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
