He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
