I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
