I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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