Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
