I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
