sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You are the jesus of drinking
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