I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
