Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
