FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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