He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
