Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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