Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
