I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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