I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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