Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
