I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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