I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
