Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
