someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
