I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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