OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
