don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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