I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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