I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
