You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
