Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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