In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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