He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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