Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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