I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
