just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
