This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
